For years I have been in the search to become whole. I will admit that I look strong on the outside, I may even come off strong when you speak with me about my past, but when it comes down to it I am still in pain with things of the past. I have always been in search of finding the pieces to fill the voids I feel, but always come up feeling empty. I have been afraid to admit it and quite frankly I have been afraid to give in to God as so many have suggested.
Finally a little less than a year ago, I gave in. It has been hard to fully allow God into my life, as a matter of fact I can say He still isn’t fully a part of me. But what is important is that I am letting him become the number one in my life. For years I have been afraid to go to church. I feared people would judge or criticize, and ya know some have. When it comes down to it I have had to do what is best for me. My approach on things has changed because I think of God first, plus I look to him for answers to decisions I can’t quite make on my own. He is starting to fill the void in my life and I am ever so gracious for it.
The hardest part for me has been walking into Church alone. It’s kind of like going to a movie alone, I feel like people will look at me funny. But actually it has made me feel like a stronger person. I made the leap this year to live on my own, completely, no roommates. I am finding such an immense amount of independence from it as well as a feeling of being content with myself, a feeling I have never fully felt before. I thought I would feel alone, but really the alone time has been so good for me. I am embracing every moment and finding joy in my quiet time. I even find that I try to spend some of this time with God. I read about him, and how he works in my life. I found taking time to read no matter what it is that I am reading has been much more fulfilling to me than the time in the past I spent watching TV. I am on my my way to feeling less empty. I still find times that I hurt inside from my past, but I am using God’s power and my own yoga practice as a way to steer quickly away from those feelings. Each day is a continued blessing, I am happy I am on this journey. I’m living in the present time, embracing every moment and taking life one step at a time.