Self Battle

I’m in a constant battle with myself. My mind is on a continuous cycle of thoughts.  I feel like I come up with my best ideas when I am somewhere I don’t have a pen or can’t write it down. Why is it that when we are in our showers, on our yoga mats or sitting through a church service that these ideas run rampant through our minds?   I am a constant dreamer, but I find that when I am in front of a journal (or my blog for that matter), I find a sudden writer block. All those ideas I came up with when I had nowhere to write it down have disappeared into some locked space in my brain.  I turn to my mat often to quiet my mind of all the distractions and (hopefully) find clarity on certain thoughts or goals.

Last night I started another teacher training program. This one is for hot yoga (bikram), and just like previous training I was asked to complete a one page definition of what yoga is for me. Since I have had this task before just over a year ago I decided to go back and look at what I wrote. What I found is that in over the course of a year I have changed a lot. I have grown into my own skin so to speak. I started yoga as a physical practice, which I believe most do, but it has transitioned into a practice of my mind connected with my breath and my body.  I began to write my definition without thinking, I let it spill out. I am trying to take the organic approach on things lately, and not over think anything. Maybe this will help all those thoughts that have locked them self away to just spill out (or so I hope). This is what came to my mind on how feel yoga is for me:

“Finding peace within myself, allowing my breath to take control of my mind. Inhale. Exhale. That is yoga for me. Yoga has become my sanctuary for my body and mind to escape to. It is a space I give myself to focus on Self discovery, to focus on clarity. I originally came to yoga for the physical practice and that was what it continued to be for me until I enrolled in teacher training. I found a deeper connection through training, not only with my peers but with myself; someone who I had been afraid to become friends with, who I was afraid to be alone with.”

How true is this, “someone who I had been afraid to become friends with, who I was afraid to be alone with. ” Like I said, I am in a constant battle with myself. I have been afraid to be alone, afraid to be my own friend. I have discovered that being your own friend is one of the most important relationships you can have. If you don’t love yourself, how can anyone else have a relationship with you?  This is why I am content in my single life. I don’t think I am personally ready to let someone else love me, until I fully love myself. Whenever I think about this I turn back to Sex and the City and the ever wise Carrie Bradshaw, “But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”  It gives a heart warm feeling that let’s you know a relationship can’t be rushed. It has taken me 28 years to become my own friend. I am really starting to like the person who I am becoming, and I am enjoying this friendship.

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