Defeat

The last few weeks I have felt very defeated. I have found myself in a place where the amount of stuff on my plate is beginning to tear me down both physically and emotionally. I am feeling very lost in this world. I wouldn’t describe it as a depressing feeling, rather a feeling of being in between content and discontent. I have been so focused on bettering myself and working towards my dream, but I keep halting with the question, “what are my dreams?”  I keep coming across the idea of deciding what I want to do when I grow up. I am sure I haven’t decided yet. I know that part of what I am doing now is not it. But I also have no idea where to start my search to understand what I want to do. I keep landing on an unconventional path, outside of the 9-5. Corporate is all I have known and the thought of stepping outside of it seems awfully scary. My biggest fear comes with the idea of losing health insurance, vacation days, sick time, how will I survive?   People survive everyday in this situation.

My next fear is finances. I am slowly working my way towards debt free, but I keep finding way too many obstacles in the process where I feel like I am continually starting over. I work way too much to “feel” broke. The constant urge to buy something new haunts me. I have overcome this threat to myself many times. Each time it does get easier, but it’s still very taxing on me. Lately I have felt the need to weed out and get rid of everything that no longer is needed in my life. First place I always turn to start this process is my closet. A girls closet is probably one of the hardest things to start with. I still have clothes from high school that I can’t get rid of for who knows what reason, and that shirt that one day I’ll wear again, but then I never do. This whole situation keeps leaving me defeated, when ultimately I just need to let go.

As I am metaphorically feeling very full, I need to start letting go. I need to be okay with staying home on a Friday night and doing things for me. I need to be okay with letting the things people say to me about my busy lifestyle go. It is really draining to constantly be put down because I don’t want to go out to the bar. Quite frankly I am tired and I am focused on so much in my life right now, that I am okay with cutting the bar life from my schedule. I thank the people that understand and are encouraging of everything I do.  I am finding this whole process very powerful. Saying the word “no” lately has allowed me to be content in my own space and work on moving forward and finding what I think my dreams are.  This doesn’t mean I don’t want a social life, it just means it can’t be a constant like it was.

I am scared to death of failing in my decisions. But I am also tired of sitting in the same place without the feeling of moving forward. I have been talking too long about making changes. I just need to do it. I need to quit telling myself I am not good enough. There is a reason so many people believe in me. I should believe in me too.  I don’t like to feel defeated. I don’t like to feel sad. I have so many things to be grateful for. Especially right now as we approach Thanksgiving I am reminded of all the amazing things in my life. Family, Friends, Health, a Job (errr 3 jobs), and incredible students who keep reminding me why I made the choices I have and why I need to continue to follow my heart towards bettering other people, while also bettering myself.

Life is one long journey of ups and downs, happiness and sadness, contentment and discontent. While I usually sit with the glass half full, I am trying hard to pull away from the emptiness. There is so much to be proud of and I need to focus on the positives. There is so much greatness offered in this life. Just be open to take it. You will stumble at times, but always find a way to come back to your feet.

Philippians 4:13 –  “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

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