choice.

Close your eyes and scan your physical body.

What are you feeling?

Where is there tension?

Are you breathing?

This has been my reoccurring conversation with myself during the closure of everything. I am usually surrounded by people, so this lockdown has been a struggle, because now, for the most part I am alone. It’s a blessing and a curse to sit here in my own mind, with my self and with “nothing” to do (I actually have plenty I can finally do that I have put off for so long).

Normally I am really good at putting on a smile and bringing light. I have always felt that God has put me here to do just that, and I can’t help but do it. But I am struggling just like the rest of you with adapting to change right now. It’s all unknown right? At first it was a week, then two, now a month. We are diving into a new world whether you have decided you believe that or not. On the other side of quarantine there will be lost jobs, financial stress, lives lost, relationships in shambles but then there will also be new bonds created, new ideas imagined, and new life.

What I have chose to journal about the last couple weeks is the ability to choose. You can choose the negative or you can choose the positive.

If you choose negativity: You are likely sitting in a place of judgement with things you can’t control. You are choosing to let the negative light bring you down. You are choosing to let it take over your mind, which ultimately takes over your body and your soul.

If you choose positivity: You are likely going to come out of this stronger, full of more light, more ideas, more compassion, more love. You’ll likely come out being a better version of you.

That’s easy to read and say “Yea! I’m going to do that!”. But it’s not as easy to just ‘do’. You have to practice everyday. Cut the bad habits, create the good ones. Only YOU can make the choice of how you will come out of this.

I woke up today feeling overwhelmed with everything. My Grandma moved into hospice last week and is on what are likely her final days and I can’t see her because of the pandemic and everything being on lockdown. It sucks. But today I cried, and finally I am feeling lighter.

So remember, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be angry right now. Write about it, let it out. Then write out how you will create something better, how you will fill your mind, body and soul with more nourishing, uplifting choices. Once you decide how you’ll fill yourself, share it and spread the love. Keep in mind though, what you post on social media is what fills other people’s cups. Be mindful that you can spread negative or positive. Choose to be positive and you just might change someones spirits today.

 

Compassion

com·pas·sion
kəmˈpaSHən
noun
  1. sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.

This year has had me doing a lot of self evaluation. There is so much hate going on in the world that I’ve really had to think “what am I doing to make the world better”. I’ve been turning to God more and really just trying to digest how we as human beings can make the world a better place. 

I am not one to hand out money to someone panhandling, or someone homeless begging for money. I guess too many stories have broke that trust. But today I met Allen. I had just parked my car and walked over to pay the meter. There was a man sitting near the pay station that started talking to me. I said hello as I had no reason not to. He responded with “Excuse me ma’am, can I ask you a question?” I responded, “you sure can”. Allen then introduced himself and continued to ask me why there was so much hate? I simply told him, Allen I’m not sure, but I wish there wasn’t. He then told me about how a man had just came by him earlier that morning and was calling him the N word and telling him he was worthless. Allen wasn’t sure why that man was so full of hate “we all bleed red don’t we?” This truly hit a cord with me. Why is there so much hate? 

Allen ended the story saying, I just wish people weren’t like that. I apologized that he was treated that way. I told Allen if he was still there when I was done with my meeting I’d buy him lunch. He lit up, I could see true pain yet true gratefulness in his eyes. 

Allen was still there when I returned just over an hour later. I gave him $10 and told him to get some food, and promise me he wouldn’t do anything else with the money. Something told me I needed to trust him and trust he truly was in need. I’ve never seen someone look so shocked by kindness. 

I got in my car and I watched him walk to the food trucks a block away, I’ve never seen someone walk with a look of gratefulness like Allen did. I’m glad I could help him today. 

To the person who spoke poorly to Allen, I will pray for you that you will be a little kinder and realize we’re all working hard to get through this life. We don’t know what people have dealt with, I’ll never know what Allens story was or why he was there today. If we all are a little kinder and filled with more compassion the suffering and terror will stop. 

#morelovelesshate