this life.

You know when you log on to Instagram or Facebook and you see all of these people’s lives and their amazing adventures, their families, their successes, their heartbreaks, their rants and of course their opinions? Does it ever make you wonder, what is this life?

Bali has made me dive deep into my own life and look into what I share and what I represent myself to be on social media. People constantly tell me they live vicariously through me, which yea, it’s flattering but it stirred up a lot of questions. Am I representing myself the way I want to be seen? Or am I hiding behind something?

In Bali I re-discovered a lot about myself. I went there to dive deeper within, and I did.

My self study on the trip stirred up a lot of deep and dark emotions of my past that I was sure were healed and far behind me. I dug into current wounds that feel like they are ripped open daily. I have struggled with family relationships for a long time and I have tried to stay above and apart from what tries to tear me down constantly – but the best way to heal is to tear off the band-aid, no matter how much it hurts – so I did it and I’m healing.

Everyday I choose to seek refuge from what I can’t control within these relationships by living a positive and uplifting life and I surround myself by choice with people that help me grow and push me in the directions of my dreams. Do you ever look at who you surround yourself with and realize there are a lot of people that tear you down more than they build you up?

I have let relationships like this and the wounds of my divorce and the struggles that followed that time in my life hold me back from truly pursuing my dreams. I have let fear of failure and fear of being successful and proving them wrong hold me back. I have been taken advantage of most of my life and I have let people allow me to fill myself with self doubt because of how they treated me or how they talked to me. For a long time I have not believed in myself.

Years ago after I got out of a relationship I was told I should try dating myself for a while. It was the best advice I have ever been given. In my relationship with myself I have been discovering my worth, I am believing in who I am – and my trip to Bali helped me to discover even more in this sacred relationship. I am believing I am someone that is worth being successful, I am someone that is worth pursuing my dreams and I am someone that is meant to cheer on others and let them see we are all in this life together.

I believe God has big plans for me and I’m realizing that the path I am on has gone exactly the way he has planned it – I wasn’t supposed to marry who I married and I wasn’t supposed to have a family then – I was supposed to discover, experience and live this life of building up others and motivating people to be their best selves first.

Yesterday I went to church and I connected so much with the message because it hit all the area’s of my life I have recently been questioning now that I know myself more, I know who I am. The biggest takeaway from the message was, “Why settle? Would you choose a hot dog over a filet mignon? Don’t marry a wiener.” Jason Strand (watch the message here)- Yea, that was said in church, but really – why would I settle when it isn’t right. God hasn’t been ready for me to settle. So here I am, surrendering, digesting and taking in this life. Living it day my day exactly the way He is showing me I should live it.

This life.

My life.

“While you dream your dreams, He’s busy building your destiny. And there is as much beauty in your destiny as there was in your dream. Let go and believe that whatever it is, it will be beautiful.” –Carry on, Warrior, Glennon Doyle Melton

 

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Whirlwind.

July 15th 2002 I started a job. September 29th 2014 I decided to put in my notice.

I was a huge ball of emotion. I just quit my job. October 31st will be the last day of the known. November 1st is the first day of the unknown.

12 plus years, almost half of my life I have spent at a company that kept me content, kept me employed but has kept me from chasing my dream job.

I have been afraid to step away from comfort. I have been afraid that I am not good enough for anything else. I have been afraid of failing. I have been afraid because I don’t know what the heck I want to do.

I have a constant passion for life, making it better, making people happy and providing people with the exact treatment they deserve. I have thrived in my job by building relationships with customers, with co-workers, with manufacturers.

So why am I stepping away from comfort? It is long overdue. I have feared letting go. I have feared the unknown.  Something finally clicked. If I continue to make excuses and wait to step away, I will always stay at this job. I will not move forward in the direction I want.
Now is my time.

Since my notice I have received an outpouring of support from every aspect of my life. It has made me realize my worth, my potential and that I have a crap load of people that support me. It has also shown me there is a lot out in this world that I can do. It may be silly that I don’t know exactly where I am going, or what I will do, but I am lucky enough to have a few things to focus on to keep my bank account afloat.

Last week was emotionally draining and emotionally fulfilling. I finally let go. I think this transition ultimately is bigger than just letting go of a job. It is letting go of a huge part of my past. Something that in general has continued to hold me back.

So you may think I am silly or crazy for letting go, but I think I am ready to go take on the world!

 

Defeat

The last few weeks I have felt very defeated. I have found myself in a place where the amount of stuff on my plate is beginning to tear me down both physically and emotionally. I am feeling very lost in this world. I wouldn’t describe it as a depressing feeling, rather a feeling of being in between content and discontent. I have been so focused on bettering myself and working towards my dream, but I keep halting with the question, “what are my dreams?”  I keep coming across the idea of deciding what I want to do when I grow up. I am sure I haven’t decided yet. I know that part of what I am doing now is not it. But I also have no idea where to start my search to understand what I want to do. I keep landing on an unconventional path, outside of the 9-5. Corporate is all I have known and the thought of stepping outside of it seems awfully scary. My biggest fear comes with the idea of losing health insurance, vacation days, sick time, how will I survive?   People survive everyday in this situation.

My next fear is finances. I am slowly working my way towards debt free, but I keep finding way too many obstacles in the process where I feel like I am continually starting over. I work way too much to “feel” broke. The constant urge to buy something new haunts me. I have overcome this threat to myself many times. Each time it does get easier, but it’s still very taxing on me. Lately I have felt the need to weed out and get rid of everything that no longer is needed in my life. First place I always turn to start this process is my closet. A girls closet is probably one of the hardest things to start with. I still have clothes from high school that I can’t get rid of for who knows what reason, and that shirt that one day I’ll wear again, but then I never do. This whole situation keeps leaving me defeated, when ultimately I just need to let go.

As I am metaphorically feeling very full, I need to start letting go. I need to be okay with staying home on a Friday night and doing things for me. I need to be okay with letting the things people say to me about my busy lifestyle go. It is really draining to constantly be put down because I don’t want to go out to the bar. Quite frankly I am tired and I am focused on so much in my life right now, that I am okay with cutting the bar life from my schedule. I thank the people that understand and are encouraging of everything I do.  I am finding this whole process very powerful. Saying the word “no” lately has allowed me to be content in my own space and work on moving forward and finding what I think my dreams are.  This doesn’t mean I don’t want a social life, it just means it can’t be a constant like it was.

I am scared to death of failing in my decisions. But I am also tired of sitting in the same place without the feeling of moving forward. I have been talking too long about making changes. I just need to do it. I need to quit telling myself I am not good enough. There is a reason so many people believe in me. I should believe in me too.  I don’t like to feel defeated. I don’t like to feel sad. I have so many things to be grateful for. Especially right now as we approach Thanksgiving I am reminded of all the amazing things in my life. Family, Friends, Health, a Job (errr 3 jobs), and incredible students who keep reminding me why I made the choices I have and why I need to continue to follow my heart towards bettering other people, while also bettering myself.

Life is one long journey of ups and downs, happiness and sadness, contentment and discontent. While I usually sit with the glass half full, I am trying hard to pull away from the emptiness. There is so much to be proud of and I need to focus on the positives. There is so much greatness offered in this life. Just be open to take it. You will stumble at times, but always find a way to come back to your feet.

Philippians 4:13 –  “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”