Blank Canvas

For years I have sold myself short. I come off as confident, which I am. But there is also a side of me that doesn’t think I’m good enough. Competition with myself, competition with others. I choose to chase the road that I shouldn’t. I continuously want what I shouldn’t. Be it a friendship, a love interest or something materialistic. We all have our downfalls. One in particular I need to give up. I need to stop allowing people to get into my head. I need to not worry what other people think. I respect my friends thoughts and opinions and believe me a lot of them have gotten me through so much this past year. But there are some people that say what you want to hear and then do something completely different. Unfortunately it is the world we live in. My generation is the worst at it. I want to leave that behind as I journey into a new year. I am better than allowing people into my life that treat me that way. I am fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who are wise, truthful and would drop anything if I needed them. I feel I would do the same for them and those people are the ones I need to focus my time on. Those are the people that will push me to follow my dreams, they are the people that will tell me when I am wrong, but encourage me in a way that will push me to do something right.

Thank you to all of you that encourage me. Thank you for those of you that are honest, even when I may not want to hear it. Thank you to all of you that have done me wrong, because it has and will make me a stronger person. 2014 is my year. 2014 is where I stop being stepped on. 2014 I will believe in myself and know I am good enough. I can achieve my goals and dreams.  No ones words can stop me. There are simply words put into this world to try to slow us down, make us feel bad, give us false hope.  But there are also words that are encouraging, lifting and allow us to wake up with a smile and a mission to be better than yesterday.

No resolutions for me. Just a continuous aim towards my goals. Becoming a better person than I was last year. Opening new doors, new friendships and relationships. Creating a fresh, free of non-sense year. Last year started so wonderfully and then offered me some trying moments as every year is able to do. I got through it, became stronger because of it. I have allowed my faith to continuously guide me. I hope to make faith a bigger part of everyday this year. I am looking to give back to my own community more and give back to our country and world. I look forward to adventures on deck for this year and finally using my passport. My best friend kept saying 2014, year of no regrets. That’s where I’m at too. The past is just that, the past, and the future is a blank canvas, ready to be painted on, ready to have new life.
I wish you all a prosperous new year full of goals and dreams that make your heart happy!

-CLS

“There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind” – C.S. Lewis

Self Battle

I’m in a constant battle with myself. My mind is on a continuous cycle of thoughts.  I feel like I come up with my best ideas when I am somewhere I don’t have a pen or can’t write it down. Why is it that when we are in our showers, on our yoga mats or sitting through a church service that these ideas run rampant through our minds?   I am a constant dreamer, but I find that when I am in front of a journal (or my blog for that matter), I find a sudden writer block. All those ideas I came up with when I had nowhere to write it down have disappeared into some locked space in my brain.  I turn to my mat often to quiet my mind of all the distractions and (hopefully) find clarity on certain thoughts or goals.

Last night I started another teacher training program. This one is for hot yoga (bikram), and just like previous training I was asked to complete a one page definition of what yoga is for me. Since I have had this task before just over a year ago I decided to go back and look at what I wrote. What I found is that in over the course of a year I have changed a lot. I have grown into my own skin so to speak. I started yoga as a physical practice, which I believe most do, but it has transitioned into a practice of my mind connected with my breath and my body.  I began to write my definition without thinking, I let it spill out. I am trying to take the organic approach on things lately, and not over think anything. Maybe this will help all those thoughts that have locked them self away to just spill out (or so I hope). This is what came to my mind on how feel yoga is for me:

“Finding peace within myself, allowing my breath to take control of my mind. Inhale. Exhale. That is yoga for me. Yoga has become my sanctuary for my body and mind to escape to. It is a space I give myself to focus on Self discovery, to focus on clarity. I originally came to yoga for the physical practice and that was what it continued to be for me until I enrolled in teacher training. I found a deeper connection through training, not only with my peers but with myself; someone who I had been afraid to become friends with, who I was afraid to be alone with.”

How true is this, “someone who I had been afraid to become friends with, who I was afraid to be alone with. ” Like I said, I am in a constant battle with myself. I have been afraid to be alone, afraid to be my own friend. I have discovered that being your own friend is one of the most important relationships you can have. If you don’t love yourself, how can anyone else have a relationship with you?  This is why I am content in my single life. I don’t think I am personally ready to let someone else love me, until I fully love myself. Whenever I think about this I turn back to Sex and the City and the ever wise Carrie Bradshaw, “But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous.”  It gives a heart warm feeling that let’s you know a relationship can’t be rushed. It has taken me 28 years to become my own friend. I am really starting to like the person who I am becoming, and I am enjoying this friendship.