In your life CREATE space to be alone. CREATE space to be together. CREATE space to open up and share the possibilities of connection.
I have for so long struggled to be alone. Loneliness and sadness constantly looms in this space. Its very uncomfortable. Now if you know me you’re saying WHAT?!? You, Lonely? Yes my world is FULL, more full than I can balance at times. In a world of these highs also comes the world of the lows. I know I am not the only one who sits here. But I am one to share openly about it. I discover that when I share, when I connect and when I create a space for others to become vulnerable, it becomes less lonely.
This year gave me the opportunity to explore and create space with many. (all over the world in fact). Coming off an unexpected surgery into the new year I learned to appreciate my body more. How it heals, how it grows, and how it shares feedback with me. I have learned to appreciate my friendships, my family and those who surround me everyday. I have learned to not feel bad when I can’t spread myself in every direction to connect with every person. I have learned to create alone time. I have learned to create togetherness. I have learned to connect in a bigger way than ever before. I’ve also learned to let go of the things that don’t fill my cup.
I am learning who I am in a deeper way. I am finding my real self. In the loneliness, the sadness, the happiness, the connection, I am learning to balance. I am recognizing the light of my soul as so many books have been telling me to do. Recognizing I am never alone, but connected with the universe (yes I am picturing Betty White in The Proposal when I say that). But it’s true, I am accepting what is, and letting go of what isn’t.
I am far from perfect, heck I never ever plan to be perfect. I do however plan to be perfect in my individuality and I plan to use it and do the things that I have been sent to this earth to do. This new year is going to be huge. Do you feel it!?!
Every year I plan to blog more and every year I have every single intention to do so. Then enters the crazy busy life. This year I AM NOT going to blog more, I am going to live more. I am going to experience more. I am going to CREATE more. I hope you come along for the ride.
Oh yea, we all know about The Bucket List, and heck we all probably have one. A few weeks ago I was inspired to create a different kind of list. I listened to Steph Gaudreau’s Podcast, Harder to Kill podcast (I listen weekly, you should too ) Her Fierce Love Friday Episode was about the “The Fucket list” . It’s the anti-bucket list. Giving fewer F***’s about the crap that doesn’t matter. You know, the stuff that holds you back. We ALL have these things.
I’ve thought about this A LOT since I’ve listened. I’ve even listened again just to continue the inspiration. I started the book that’s been sitting on my “to read pile” too. “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) by Mark Manson. It’s all made me realize 2019 is going to be my year to let go and just move forward.
So here it goes – My “F*cket List” (or at least some of them) :
Letting negative energy people bring me down. Their bad energy is NOT mine and it was probably built up of a lifetime of crappy people poo pooing on them. My goal for the year is to just shine a little bit of brightness their way and maybe just maybe their energy will turn – or at least it won’t effect mine. Mark Manson actually talks about this in his book (mentioned above) saying that some people have nothing better to do than complain – they are bored otherwise because they aren’t putting anything more productive in their life. So to these people, BYE!
Fear that people don’t care what I have to say. This has long been a fear of mine. It was instilled on me in a relationship I was in and has continued to haunt me for over 12 years. I truly believe it’s what has held me back from being a better, more committed blogger and it’s held me back from starting a podcast (p.s. this is one of my BIG goals for 2019). What I’ve realized though is that some people DO care, and some people DON’T care. You will ALWAYS have that no matter what, so I’m gonna say F it in 2019, be vulnerable and write.
You ever feel down if someone doesn’t like you? Me too. I see this most in the never ending and somewhat depressing world of dating in your 30’s. Ughhh. It’s awful and really I truly want to say F it. If you don’t like me, no biggie, you aren’t my person and there is probably a reason we shouldn’t be in each others life. I mean this both in a relationship and friendship way. I’ve learned it’s okay to let go of some people and it’s made my life SO MUCH BETTER. But heck, I’ve sure learned a lot from these stepping stones, and I’m continuing to learn. On my way home from Church today I was reflecting on the message “Imperfect Together” and the focus on developed intimacy. I realized I need create a more intimate relationship with the kick ass humans that already exist in my life and truly connect with the strangers I come across as I understand there is a deeper purpose to all these connections and it’s not just the “likes” on social media. That crap is leaving us in isolation. We need more.
There is much more on my list, but the final one I want to share is this. I want to share and let go of one thing that has brought me down for much of my life. The relationship with, or lack there of, with my dad. I have tears streaming down my face just writing it now, because yea it hurts, but I need to send it out and let it go. I have constantly struggled with not feeling good enough when it comes to the relationship I’ve experienced with him. I know he loves me the way he knows best, but quite frankly he’s never been there for me and it has hurt me. I know he is a great father to the half and step siblings I have and a I’m sure a great husband to my step mom. But for me, I’ve just been lost or pushed to the side. I’ve tried to build something, but it feels one way so I just stopped. I keep saying I want to hold on because of my Grandma who is still living, but I’ve come to learn I can have a really solid relationship with her, without him. So here it is, in 2019 I am LETTING GO. I am moving on and I am embracing the loving, inspiring and most importantly involved family and friends I do have in my life. If that’s you, THANK YOU. You’ve given me a reason to feel wanted, to feel loved and most importantly that there is not a thing wrong with me.
I hope if you have things to let go of that you too will write out a “F*cket list”. If it’s anything like mine you will feel lighter and ready to kick ass and be a better version of yourself in 2019!
Two years ago my dear friend told me “You’re like the seed of a dandelion, stuck to the flower because it’s all you know. Let go and see where the wind takes you.”
So I did. I let go. I let go of relationships, I let go of dating. I decided to date myself and I decided to take leaps in life that were very scary and very unknown. But here I am reflecting and realizing she was more than right. Her words have changed my entire life.
I did all the things I was supposed to do growing up, high school sweetheart, college, work. Went the way of the corporate world. Sat at a desk for way too long and finally because of several friends, a lot of journaling and praying I found a place to go and to be me. A place I could be weird yet focused and driven. A place where I could help people see the magic inside them. There is really no secret to the success I’ve been seeing both in my work and in my personal life other than that I am focused on what I do best and what I am meant to do.
One thing I’ve learned is we all have a purpose in life. I’ve let go of the things I am bad at and I admit when something isn’t my strength. I say I don’t know when I don’t know and I stick to my words when I truly believe in something. I’ve become vulnerable, open and more confident in everyday life.
My point is, if you are NOT happy, DO SOMETHING to change that. People talk a lot of negative talk and say a lot they are going to do. But things don’t ever change until you decide to actually make the change. Today, grab a notebook, grab a pen and start writing down the things you want in your life. Start writing, start believing and let the wind take you.
Today kicks off the 6 week weight loss challenge at Orange Theory Fitness Woodbury! I am stoked to be the captain of Team White! I have some amazing people on my team looking to make their life even better. But not only that, there are over 200 people total between the three teams that are looking to change their lives over 6 weeks and I am super excited to keep them motivated to do that.
Since starting to coach at OTF I have made a lot of lifestyle changes. I workout more, I eat better, I sleep more and I find I am happier than I have been in a long time. I made a big leap when I came to Orange Theory, I left the corporate desk life that I spent 14 years in. I was often unhappy in my own physical body which ultimately affected my mind and how I felt about myself. I was constantly motivating people to be in shape and to eat healthier, yet I didn’t feel I was in the body to preach that.
I am now walking the walk, not just talking.
Since this time last year I am down 20 lbs! I’d be curious what my body fat to muscle comparison was a year ago because I’m sure it would have been an interesting change. The number on the scale is cool, but really when it comes down to weight loss for me it’s about how I feel when I put on my clothes. A few weeks ago I decided to try on all my jeans and found most of them fall off of me (these are jeans I still have from high school/college by the way). Most of my yoga pants are too big too (is that even possible, why yes it is). I have been working on myself everyday and I have noticed little changes, but lately the results are really showing. It has taken time and I have been putting in a TON of work, but every time I look in the mirror, every time I get dressed, every time I work out I feel that much better than I have (probably since I was 14). It has been completely worth sacrificing the junk I used to eat and not skipping my workouts. It’s a lifestyle change really and I am feeling 100 percent better because of it.
I want nothing more than to help people push through the same things I have pushed through and see the results I’ve been able to see. You can do it and once you get there it is much easier than saying tomorrow i’ll do it. Do something today, You got this!
Also, I am participating in the weight loss challenge. My goal is accountability of getting my workouts in and finally losing those stubborn areas my body holds on to 🙂
Day one….I’ll keep you updated on my progress 🙂
Left: One year ago (fall 2016), Right: Last weekend (fall 2017)