surrender and be fearless

The last two days have been a test. I have broke down and cried several times. Over fear, over generosity, over worry, over gratefulness. Back and forth I have felt sad tears and happy tears and all of it is because I am fifteen days away from the journey of a lifetime. I need to surrender and be fearless, God has great plans for me on the road ahead.

A few months ago I toyed with the idea of going somewhere for my 500 hour training for yoga and just two weeks from now I will find myself in a quiet seaside town in east Bali. Who would have thought?

I have often looked at life as an adventure, and I have been fortunate to take many trips through out the US and I’ve visited countries that most can only dream of. I went to South Africa and Malawi in 2014. It was my first time leaving the country. I got to meet people who live a completely different life than me. It was humbling, and the first time I realized that I have a bigger purpose in life than working 9-5 at a desk.

Shortly after, in 2015 I went to Mexico. Also eye opening – but I got to live in the luxurious tourist part, but man it was different than home, and it’s so close to home. I have been back to Mexico a couple times since and each time I have been able to experience culture at a deeper level.

2016 was Germany where I got to explore European life, sports and travel by train and bus where I visited Prague, Czech Republic and Salzburg, Austria. I explored castles where I wondered how it felt to be a princess, drank beer just like the Germans (it was Oktoberfest in Munich so I had to play the part) and tasted what makes European cities so amazing.

Here we are wrapping up 2017 and I am lucky enough to continue the adventure in Bali. I know that what I am about to learn will be life changing. Something their website said that made me believe this was the right training for me, “When it’s done you’ll be a different person…not a person who’s changed, but rather a person who has a clearer, truer understanding of who they really are…a person who sees the beauty and grace inside of themselves, and know what it’s like to feel a connection with others that’s so strong it can never be broken.”

I can’t wait to bring this feeling back to my students – I am ready to keep changing lives and I’m excited to better understand myself so I can make a bigger impact in this world. It’s tough what we face everyday in this world – in the news, in our jobs, in our communities. We can make a choice how we feel in our lives, even when bad things happen around us. We can surrender, we can be fearless and we can make a choice to be our best selves.

I am going to do my best to blog at least once a week while I’m gone – maybe even twice. But for the most part I’m staying technology free which is scary and exciting all at the same time. Be sure to follow here for updates 🙂

For more information on where I’m headed and what I’m doing Click Here
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No script

Over the last 6 months I feel like I have found a whole new meaning behind my teaching. I have become a teacher, rather than an instructor. Just yesterday someone told me about a class they took with Judith Lasater. They said that she was describing the difference between an instructor and a teacher. An instructor reads from a script, a teacher teaches from their own words, there own experience, they connect with their students. This is what has happened for me. I have let go of the script and I have became me, a teacher.

I have feared taking that next step in teaching. I have feared teaching the higher level. Who am I to sequence a powerful yoga class that students enjoy. Who am I to share my own experiences. Who am I to allow my students to open up to me or share their world with me, with themselves, right there on their mat.

Who am I not to do that?

Certain experiences in life can instruct us or teach us. When you buy something new it may comes with instructions. This is how you are “supposed” to use it. Sometimes you should stick to the script, but do you always have to? In some cases, yes, but in some scenarios when you use the script as a guideline and use life experiences, observations, teachings to step away from that script you may discover something new. This discovery could be life changing. It could be the difference between instructing and teaching.

The other thing I have learned is not all experiences are the same. Some teachings may resonate with you better than others. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t accept what doesn’t resonate, but maybe look deeper as to why it is affecting you negatively. It could be a fear, something pushing you out of your comfort zone, something that is offering a challenge that you are afraid to accept.

I hear many people say what I am teaching is not Yoga. I understand it may not align with ancient teaching of yoga, but I also understand that yoga can be described differently for everyone. One type of yoga may resonate with you, and another may not. Yoga means to “yoke” or to unite. The whole idea of yoga is to connect mind, body and spirit together. Your choice of how you do that is up to you. For some it is meditation, it is quiet, it is time to self reflect with the entire world shut off. For other’s it is dripping sweat and getting your butt kicked to the sound of Rihanna or Calvin Harris. Neither is wrong. We all find a different way to connect with our self. It will be a different journey for everyone.

Start somewhere, maybe even with a script. No matter where you start remember it is a long journey of ups, downs, egos, judgements, love, hate, but most importantly self discovery. I know myself more today than I ever have. I will continue to learn, I will continue to grow. I will continue to use a script as a guideline, but I will always use life experience to be my true Self and to continue to teach others to be theirs.

 

Defeat

The last few weeks I have felt very defeated. I have found myself in a place where the amount of stuff on my plate is beginning to tear me down both physically and emotionally. I am feeling very lost in this world. I wouldn’t describe it as a depressing feeling, rather a feeling of being in between content and discontent. I have been so focused on bettering myself and working towards my dream, but I keep halting with the question, “what are my dreams?”  I keep coming across the idea of deciding what I want to do when I grow up. I am sure I haven’t decided yet. I know that part of what I am doing now is not it. But I also have no idea where to start my search to understand what I want to do. I keep landing on an unconventional path, outside of the 9-5. Corporate is all I have known and the thought of stepping outside of it seems awfully scary. My biggest fear comes with the idea of losing health insurance, vacation days, sick time, how will I survive?   People survive everyday in this situation.

My next fear is finances. I am slowly working my way towards debt free, but I keep finding way too many obstacles in the process where I feel like I am continually starting over. I work way too much to “feel” broke. The constant urge to buy something new haunts me. I have overcome this threat to myself many times. Each time it does get easier, but it’s still very taxing on me. Lately I have felt the need to weed out and get rid of everything that no longer is needed in my life. First place I always turn to start this process is my closet. A girls closet is probably one of the hardest things to start with. I still have clothes from high school that I can’t get rid of for who knows what reason, and that shirt that one day I’ll wear again, but then I never do. This whole situation keeps leaving me defeated, when ultimately I just need to let go.

As I am metaphorically feeling very full, I need to start letting go. I need to be okay with staying home on a Friday night and doing things for me. I need to be okay with letting the things people say to me about my busy lifestyle go. It is really draining to constantly be put down because I don’t want to go out to the bar. Quite frankly I am tired and I am focused on so much in my life right now, that I am okay with cutting the bar life from my schedule. I thank the people that understand and are encouraging of everything I do.  I am finding this whole process very powerful. Saying the word “no” lately has allowed me to be content in my own space and work on moving forward and finding what I think my dreams are.  This doesn’t mean I don’t want a social life, it just means it can’t be a constant like it was.

I am scared to death of failing in my decisions. But I am also tired of sitting in the same place without the feeling of moving forward. I have been talking too long about making changes. I just need to do it. I need to quit telling myself I am not good enough. There is a reason so many people believe in me. I should believe in me too.  I don’t like to feel defeated. I don’t like to feel sad. I have so many things to be grateful for. Especially right now as we approach Thanksgiving I am reminded of all the amazing things in my life. Family, Friends, Health, a Job (errr 3 jobs), and incredible students who keep reminding me why I made the choices I have and why I need to continue to follow my heart towards bettering other people, while also bettering myself.

Life is one long journey of ups and downs, happiness and sadness, contentment and discontent. While I usually sit with the glass half full, I am trying hard to pull away from the emptiness. There is so much to be proud of and I need to focus on the positives. There is so much greatness offered in this life. Just be open to take it. You will stumble at times, but always find a way to come back to your feet.

Philippians 4:13 –  “I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”